Healthy Love Relationships

The biggest epiphanies often come randomly and from the most unlikely people. I recently ran into a woman I haven't seen in months. We started talking about a couple that we both know, and she mentioned that every time she sees them together, they're smiling and laughing. They are always happy. And I thought, That is exactly it! That's the whole reason we choose to be in relationships in the first place. To be happy, to feel good, to share joyful moments.

I mean, isn't that what it's supposed to be about? Relationships are supposed to be about being happy, right? We don't live in a perfect world, and I don't expect relationships to be without problems. But generally, the person you choose to spend most of your time with should be someone, well, fun.

There is a very serious side to committed relationships. The person you choose to be with should be someone you can trust, with both your heart and your secrets. They should be someone you can count on in a time of need, someone who offers you a shoulder to cry on. The person you give your time to should respect you, and love you for who you are. Your lover should be your best friend.

Of course.

When to Press the Button

We have reset buttons for lots of things. We reset our computers, our alarms. We can reset most things in life, things that are electronically powered. But how about personal relationships?

I recently attempted to reset a friendship,  six months ago. The friendship boundaries were becoming unclear, and I needed to redefine them. At least on my end. Doing this required that I take some space and time away from my friend to start anew.

A few weeks later, when the time came for us to discuss it, it felt cathartic and gave me hope that our friendship could sustain itself. Alas, the reset was not glitch-free, and I realized that the little things we tried to change didn't waive all the other little problems that existed. In the comfort of the attempted renewal of our friendship, the little problems flourished. And grew. Out of control. I tried to reset again, taking a little space. But I realized that instead of the absence making me miss her more, it made me miss her less. When she wrote me an email about friendships being boundary-free, I knew it was time for our friendship to end.

In my life, I haven't really more than one lifelong friend. I still keep in touch with my friend Eileen, who I went to middle and high school with, but I haven't seen her in years. She moved to Atlanta, and neither of us have cared enough to make the trip to see the other. I love her, but so much time has passed and our lives are so different, that the yearly holiday cards seem to be enough for us both. I have another friend Laura, who I've known since middle school, but during and following her divorce her life changed so drastically (she now jet sets with her boyfriend (lucky her) when she is not onstage in a theater production) that I rarely get to see her. Lastly, my friend Carly, who I have only known for five years, moved to Florida two years ago. We speak on and off, and when she came home just last week, I realized how much I missed her. Of course, I have a couple special people in my life, but I wonder, will I know any of them in 20 years? Probably Carly. Yes. She's a keeper, and she and I know each other's limits and respect them.

My son, my boyfriend and his kids, I will have. Family. But what about all the others?

The lack of permanence saddens me. Relationships have become so temporary. Granted, I ended the friendship with the girl mentioned above, but it was because we wanted different things. Is that always the case? Was I wrong to end a relationship that felt more like a burden than a friendship?

Heart On Your Sleeve?

Last night I was listening to Cocktails with Patrick on Cosmo Radio (Sirius 111), and Patrick was trying to get a hook-up going. It's the second day in a row. He's trying to hook this girl Lauren up with, it seems, anybody.

Lauren has a strong New York accent, will only date Jewish men who have certain attributes (I can't remember them), and has a loud mouth. Let's hope she's cute. Anyway, they brought in a guy who works at the station (Michael, I think) to ask him dating related questions. His time was limited as he was meeting a girl, that he's been dating, at his apartment that night.

They'd been "hooking up" for "a while" he said, and though she's short for him - he's 6'2" but didn't tell us her exact height - he really likes her. He said he likes that she is "sweet" and has a "pin-up girl look" that he thinks is sexy. When asked if she was his *girlfriend* he said not officially, yet. Lauren asked why, and he said he wasn't ready to commit to that yet, though he admitted that he really liked her and definitely didn't want her to see anyone else (he isn't seeing anyone else, either). She responded, It's because guys don't have feelings or invest in relationships the way that women do. He totally disagreed. He said that he cared very much about this girl, and was totally into being with her. He never had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk but treated her as his girlfriend. He admitted that if it ended he'd be hurt, and he wasn't afraid of getting hurt (though he'd be sad to have lost her).

So he's wearing his heart on his sleeve without fear, right? 

Having a good relationship depends on being open and honest, communicative, and trustworthy. Though we don't know anything about the girl he is dating, this guy seems to be all of those things to her. And yet, he risks getting hurt because she may not be as honest or forthcoming with him. Maybe she is dating someone else (he hasn't asked her) or maybe she is just flirting her way into another relationship. But he's in it all the way, and if he gets hurt, he knows that he was the best partner he could have been in that relationship.

How do we do this? Trust without borders? My friend Kathryn says trust implicitly, but when a red flag comes up, make a note of it. When you have a pocketful of red flags, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Easily said, but that first red flag is sure to cause a shift of trust, and the second even more so. How do we stay present like Michael? How many red flags make a pocketful?

I think, being true to oneself is most important. Being true in all of your relationships keeps them honest. Mostly, be the best person you can be in your daily life, so that you can always love the person you see when you look in the mirror.

The Loss Before the Motion

This is a tough time of year for me. It is the time when two of my loved ones died (both grams), when I got both married (the 12th) and divorced (five years and two weeks later), when I moved into my *single mother home* terrified (this week, four years ago), and when my boyfriend and I went our separate ways (two weeks and two years past).

While spring seems to be a time of rebirth for me, and summer is a time of reckless abandon, this interim time is a time when I've pruned the heads of one too many dead flowers.

It's odd to think of June that way, given that's it's also the time of year when school gets out, camp begins, and tennis Fridays go full-force at the country club. Beaches start to pack in day-trippers and concerts in the park happen weekly. Yet for me, it's been a time of sucker punches and deep wounds. 

I started dreaming about my grandmothers this week. It happens every year around this time. I wonder what would I have done differently in my relationships with them if I could do it all over. For sure I'd spend more time with them. I'd have them write their favorite recipes on cards for me. I'd fall asleep with my head on their shoulders, taking in their scents along with the sounds of their exhalations. I'd call more. Drop in for no apparent reason. And mostly, I'd show them more love than I had. I'd let them know how special they were. Because now, it's all in dreams, and none of it is shared with them.

My marriage, I am sad to say, was doomed from the start. I married my then-best-friend thinking that that would be enough. We had a beautiful child together, but everything else became messy. First one disagreement, then another, and before I knew it, we were on opposing ends with nearly everything. While I am confident our decision to divorce was the right one, it saddens me that we put each other through so much pain. And that our little boy, only three at the time, had to learn how to miss his parents, each when he was with the other. 

The breakup (boyfriend) seems mild in comparison, mostly because we are back together. But still, we discussed it just days ago and I believe that the wounds have created some scars. I'd like to say that the story ends well, that we live happily ever after, but it's only just beginning.

What I know most of all is that it's tough to love, mostly because all love comes with some degree of loss. If not a breakup, or a dissolution of a marriage, then a death, or a sadness of some great proportion. What I wonder is, What can we do to enjoy it while it lasts? 

Tonight I am alone, choosing not to visit the gym for the third time today. I've decided not to turn on the television or read my fabulous book I'm Down. Instead, I am taking this time to evaluate what is, what will be, and what I want it all to look like. And in the meantime, I'm taking a little time to sit outside with the flowers that still remain in bloom.

A Manifesto Worth Following

Today, as I was walking toward the entrance door to my beloved Bar Method class, I noticed a red poster on the door (see at right). I started reading it and loved everything that was on it. I wanted the poster.

Turns out, this is the "lululemon manifesto." Lululemon Athletica is a clothing company that makes apparel for people to wear while doing yoga, bar method, running... pretty much for all sports. Their tops have built in bras with a surprising amount of support. All the apparel that I have seen is both functional and stylish. And while I am a huge fan of the apparel (already), I wanted to share a message that is on the poster.

"That which matters the most should never give way to that which matters the least."

My translation is this: Don't put an unimportant errand before your child's school performance. Choose to spend time with the people you love, not the people you think you should be friends with for one reason or another. If you'd rather stay home (with the one you love) than go to a party, stay home. Be with the people you want to be with. Because that which matters the most, matters the most. Period. You cannot get back lost moments, time wasted on things you never really wanted to do in the first place. 

Some other goodies on the poster:

• Stress is related to 99% of all illness.
  
• Jealousy works the opposite way you want it to.
  
• A daily hit of athletic-induced endorphins give you the power to make better decisions, helps you be at peace with yourself, and offset stress. 
  
• Visualize your eventual demise. It can have an amazing effect on how you live for the moment.
  
• The conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time. Choose a positive thought. 
  

Have a stellar day! 

At the Heart of the Matter

June 1st kicks off National CPR & AED Awareness Week. Being a personal trainer, group fitness instructor, and soon-to-be lifestyle and weight management consultant, I needed to get re-certified in CPR and AED. How auspicious that I chose to get certified today.

It is part of my job requirement to maintain a valid certification, but I think it's important that everyone learn how to administer CPR and use an AED. Why? Well, what would you do if someone you love started to choke, or collapsed on the floor due to a heart attack or stroke? Or maybe your significant other falls off a ladder and passes out, going into shock and needs you to help. The time it takes from any incident to occur and the EMT to arrive may be minutes that could save (or lose) a life. 

In the span of a few hours, you can learn what to do in all of those situations. It's not much time, if you think about it, and will arm you with amazing life saving skills. To find training in your area, visit the websites of the American Red Cross or the American Heart Association. (If your babysitter doesn't know CPR, you can sign her up for a babysitter course that will teach her all she needs to know.)

In the meantime, here are some tips for preventing choking, heart issues and more.

• If you smoke, quit. 
  
• Always sit when you eat. Take small bites. Chew your food well. And no talking. (This, by the way, also promotes mindful eating and will help you be more aware of what you put into your mouth.)
  
• Do at least 40 minutes of cardio most days of the week. I always say that it doesn't matter how great you look, how thin you are, or how built your muscles are if you're dead. Your heart is the most important muscle in your body. Keep it in top shape.
  
• Eat well. Think about the foods that might clog your arteries and avoid eating them, or at least minimize your intake. 
  
• Do not climb on ladders or chairs without a buddy to stabilize the chair. Falls are most often due to one wrong (silly) move. Hold onto the stair rail when walking down stairs. And always, walk, never run (no matter how young or fit you are).
  
• Never eat while driving.
  
• Be aware of slippery areas like the shower, and wet tiles.
  

And please, think about learning CPR.

 

Just Human

There is much I'd like to share with you right now. But my lack of eloquence prevents that from happening. At just 10:30 p.m., I am too tired to write but not enough to sleep. 

I dislike, however, the long lapses I've allowed to span between blogs. The gaps have happened, partly, because life is a little consistent right now, and the parts that are interesting are just too personal to share. I did see a movie this week, though, that was so powerful it's still got me captured (I was even talking about it at lacrosse practice tonight!) The beauty of the film, I Am Sam, is that the underlying theme is so distinct; we all share the same fears and experiences, regardless of who we are or how we live.

I cannot begin to do justice to the story, so I highly advise you to rent this movie. There are a handful of great scenes in the movie, but my favorite is one I beg of you to watch. It's just two minutes out of your life, and if you let it roll, I think you will be happy that you did.

Here is the link. It speaks to the heart. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTfyWI7_A9U